Giving Feedback That Builds Confidence (Not Resistance) Tips for Managers
Giving feedback isn’t just hard, it’s nerve-wracking.
Even seasoned managers can feel a wave of tension before a one-on-one.
Will they get defensive?
Will I come across as too harsh… or not clear enough?
What if this feedback discourages rather than motivates?
If you’ve ever rehearsed your words in your head (or avoided the conversation altogether), you’re not alone.
But here’s the truth: feedback, when done right, isn’t just a performance tool. It’s a relationship builder.
In this post, I’ll walk through why feedback feels so loaded, how to reduce anxiety for both you and your team, and a few incredible books that offer strategies worth keeping on your desk.
Why Feedback Feels So Difficult - And Why You’re Not Alone
Giving feedback taps into more than just professional judgment. It can stir up emotion, fear, and even resentment. I’ve seen this firsthand.
The Hard Conversation
I remember one employee in particular who simply wasn’t meeting expectations.
They called in sick frequently, often once or twice a week and even took extended leave without pay more than once. The impact on the team’s momentum and morale was noticeable.
What made things even trickier was that this person didn’t see it the same way. In fact, they’d often talk at length about how much they brought to the team and how fortunate we were to have them. It created a disconnect between perception and reality.
They had been referred to me by a trusted colleague, and I had taken that recommendation at face value. But once problems began to surface, I started asking more questions and discovered that the absenteeism issues weren’t new. They just hadn’t been disclosed during the glowing handoff that led me to hire them.
Looking back, I should have done more due diligence. But like so many managers, I learned that lesson the hard way.
Now I was in a position where I had to deliver difficult feedback:
“You are not meeting performance expectations.”
The employee had always received “meets requirements” in the past, so this was a jarring message for them and it didn’t land well. Animosity grew, and so did mistrust.
I knew I had to find a different approach. So I shifted from “telling” to asking. I asked questions designed not to trap them, but to understand:
How do you feel about your role on the team?
Are there any parts of the job you’re finding particularly difficult?
Where do you feel least supported?
That conversation opened a door. The employee admitted they felt overwhelmed and out of their depth and hadn’t received the training they needed to do the job well.
If I hadn’t asked, I never would have known.
That insight became the foundation for a Performance Improvement Plan (PIP) not as punishment, but as support. With clear goals, proper coaching, and a renewed focus, the employee began to turn things around.
The Surprising Win
On the flip side, I also remember a team member who was quiet, reserved, and rarely spoke up during meetings. They got the job done, but I had a nagging feeling they were disengaged or simply uninspired.
One day, I casually said:
“I’ve noticed you don’t speak up much in team meetings but when you do, it’s always thoughtful. I’d love to hear more of your ideas.”
I expected a polite smile and a quick “thanks.” Instead, they lit up. They told me they’d always felt like their voice didn’t matter but they’d been brimming with ideas and didn’t know if they’d be welcomed.
That one comment turned a corner. Over the next few weeks, they started contributing more. Not loudly, not always, but consistently. Eventually, they proposed an improvement to one of our internal processes that saved the team hours each month.
All it took was a bit of honest encouragement and a simple invitation.
How To Give Feedback Without Anxiety
Here are five practical ways to make feedback feel lighter, for both you and your team. Simple shifts that make a big difference:
1. Make Feedback a Habit, Not a Big Deal
When feedback only happens during formal reviews, it’s stressful. But when it's baked into your team culture, it becomes normal.
Quick check-ins. Micro-praise. Gentle course-corrections. They all count. Your team won’t feel like they have to brace themselves for “the talk.”
2. Lead With Curiosity
Before you jump into giving feedback, start with a question.
“How did that feel to you?”
“What would you do differently next time?”
These small openings shift the tone instantly. Instead of a one-way critique, you’re inviting reflection signaling respect and helps the other person see that feedback isn’t something being done to them. It’s something you’re doing with them.
Curiosity disarms defensiveness because it replaces judgment with genuine interest. You’re not there to catch mistakes; you’re there to understand what’s behind them.
3. Be Clear and Kind
Avoid the “compliment sandwich” if it feels forced. Just be human because authenticity lands better than a rehearsed script. Start with respect, add precision and keep your tone steady.
“I really appreciate how much you care about this project. One area I’d like us to strengthen is the follow-through because meeting timelines affects everyone’s workload.”
Clarity shows professionalism and kindness keeps the door open. when you combine both people can actually hear what you’re saying instead of bracing for criticism.
4. Focus on Behaviours, Not Identity
Feedback should target actions, not character. When you frame observations around what happened rather than who someone is, the message feels fair and fixable.
Say: “I noticed you’ve missed a couple of key deadlines.”
Not: “You’re unreliable.”
Grounding feedback in facts helps people focus on solutions instead of feeling personally attacked. It’s not about who they are it’s about what needs to change.
5. Build Psychological Safety Over Time
Feedback lands better in an environment of trust, not fear. That means showing up consistently, keeping your word and owning your own mistakes. When people know you’ll handle missteps with fairness and respect, they stop bracing for criticism and start engaging in real dialogue. Psychological safety isn’t built in a single conversation. It’s built through dozens of small, predictable moments of honesty.
✦
The more you practice these small shifts, the easier feedback becomes. If you want to keep strengthening your approach, here are a few books that dive deeper into the art—and psychology—of giving feedback well. If feedback has ever kept you up at night, these books are worth your time and shelf space.
Best Books On Giving Feedback & Building Confidence
📘 Thanks for the Feedback by Douglas Stone & Sheila Heen
Helps managers understand the emotions behind receiving feedback and how to deliver it with less resistance.
📘 Radical Candor by Kim Scott
Offers a simple, powerful model to give honest feedback without losing your humanity.
📘 Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, et al.
A game-changer for managing high-stakes conversations with calm and clarity.
📘 The Fearless Organization by Amy C. Edmondson
Shows you how to create a culture where feedback and learning thrive without fear.
📘 HBR Guide to Delivering Effective Feedback by Harvard Business Review Press
Practical tips and real-world scripts for feedback conversations that work.
My Closing Thought…..
You don’t have to be perfect at giving feedback. You just have to be willing and intentional. Each conversation is a chance to strengthen trust and confidence on both sides.
If you want structured tools to support those conversations, explore the free resources or check out the Learning Hub for course content designed to help you lead with clarity and calm.
